Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
