If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
