so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
