WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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