When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I have post one night stand depression
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