if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
