just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
