He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
