Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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