I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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