ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
