2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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