They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
