He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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