Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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