You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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