Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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