Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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