Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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