put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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