I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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