I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
