glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
