My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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