He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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