How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
