i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
