He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
tell me about the eggs
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
