We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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