I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
