I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize