oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
