Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
