I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
