walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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