P.S. I can't hear my feet
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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