Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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