I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
