i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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