Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
