He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
