You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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