exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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