the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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