Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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