Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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