I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
