Soap is not a condiment
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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