i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
