And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I have post one night stand depression
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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