Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
