that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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