she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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