kristin has been a bad kristin
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Lo siento on account of my penis...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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