So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
