i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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